I’m jumping ahead in my Blue story because it’s on my heart right now. You need it just as much as me. Tonight (March 14), I was able to stand outside in a T-shirt, not freeze, and stare up at the stars. If not for the starlight, the black sky would expand forever. Starlight grounds the night sky. A breeze from behind threw my hair over my shoulder, and my heart squeezed.
Blue would always come up behind me (and others), put his nose on my shoulder, and breathe a few breaths in my hair.
My middle school and high school days flat-out sucked. I’ll go into more of that in later posts, but I want to mention something that very few people know about me. (That’s about to change, right?) Within my high school days, even though I don’t think I’d have ever done it, suicide did cross my mind. Now, I’m so far from that I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but if I scrolled back through my digital journals, I’d find the depressed words of my past.
Blue was the biggest star grounding the ever-expanding dark sky of my teenage years. I can remember many days I didn’t want to do life, but I did anyway. Because there was a horse dependent on me for his breakfast! I rolled out of bed at 5:45, and I went to the barn before school. After school–back to the barn. Blue would lend me his legs to give my heart wings. (Wow, for a second just now, I was riding him again.)
Depression is real pain, and it cycles, so I have good memories from high school, too, but my point is
Lots of people don’t release their depressed emotion to others because they’re ashamed or afraid of how they’ll be received.
Blue was always my silent listener for the good of my life, but especially the bad. And, to mention one of Chase’s many Blue-inspired moments, he was “my steady.” Blue was God’s way of getting my deeply sensitive heart safely through a dark night. Suicide never crosses my mind anymore–unless I’m praising and thanking God for this amazing bay horse He put in my life. Now, I love my life so much. If you met me in person, you’d see that.
I’m sharing this because I know I’m writing this for at least one person dealing with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. However you got here, this message is for you. Depression is bound in time. It ends. Even though that seems impossible, you’ve got to look for the shining stars that’ll keep your dark night from expanding forever. Next time you feel alone, look up at the night sky. My guardian angel is up there now, and I’ll gladly share him with you. If you’re patient enough, he’ll come sniff your hair in the breeze. That’s Blue and God telling you, “It’s all going to be okay.”
Thanks, Blue. (And God.) You were my best friend when I needed one so badly.
Write this down for yourself: Depression has no power over me. It has to end, and it has to leave.
I’ve been there, and I can promise… The sun does rise.